Top 10 MMA Nicknames - Episode 2: The Train Wrecks By Chris Ackerman (Feb 4, 2010) DoghouseBoxing
Well, it is a brand new year…what better time to dust off an old chestnut and give it new life? Loyal readers will recall a similarly-themed exercise from a couple years ago that was limited to the sport of boxing. To say that two-part series generated some feedback is runner-up to the understatement of the year which, of course, is ‘Obama’s popularity has declined since the election’. In order to make these lists accessible to the broadest possible audience, only fighters with some degree of notoriety will be considered.
Before we get started, I feel compelled to reiterate a point that was lost to many readers of the first series. Let’s go with the disclaimer style this time:
The following commentary is solely the opinion of the author. In publishing this column, Doghouseboxing.com, its agents and principals bear no liability in any manner shape or form, jointly or severally for any loss of self-esteem, financial or other compensation, ridicule or difficulty scoring the parties mentioned may experience. Nothing within this work shall be construed as an indictment of the individual’s talent, prowess, personal hygiene, character, gait, choice of lifestyle, haircut, clothing, ability to swim, manhood, math skills, or general value as a human being. Furthermore, nothing in the proceeding shall be taken as evidence of any short-comings, whether physiological, biochemical or psychiatric. In short…it’s all in good fun.
And finally, it should be noted that, while these lists represent opinion only, they are based on specific criteria. That is to say, neither list is merely a compilation of nicknames I happen to like or dislike. Factors considered include, but are not limited to: lack of creativity, unnecessary rhyming, overuse, poaching, movie titles, lack of menace, origin and the element of ‘huh?’.
So, without further adieu…
10.) “The Muscle Shark” – What’s a muscle shark? It’s a question that haunts me day and night. Sean Sherk displays hyper-muscularity; that is beyond dispute. He is kinda a shark too, in that he…ok, I’m reaching here…I dunno, devours his prey? Has remoras? Makes people wish they had a bigger boat? I could see ‘The Muscleman’ (although that would be on the list too) or ‘The <insert species here> Shark’, or just plain ‘Shark’ – kind of a no-brainer that shark goes well with Sherk – but Muscle Shark? Not feelin’ it. Sean shirked his duty on this one.
9.) “Sugar” – Which sin does Rashad Evans commit here: lack of creativity, overuse or poaching or d.) all of the above? The nickname was already pretty spent by the time Shane Mosley poached it – but at least “Sugar” Shane Mosley still sounds good. “Sugar” Rashad Evans is just awkward to say. “Sugar” goes with Rashad Evans like Nobel Prize Winner goes with Yasser Arafat. Enough with the artificial sweeteners already, let’s retire the name “Sugar” once and for all. What about “Roughshod” Evans? Something, anything…
8.) “Quick” – (adj. fast, swift, rapid) No question the nickname reflects Mike Swick’s handspeed…and hey, will you look at that! It rhymes! The fact that James Tillis had this nickname first isn’t that big a deal. It’s not as though Tillis is exactly a household name or anything. I just can’t help but thing the name was adopted solely because Quick rhymes with Swick. But lots of things rhyme with Swick. Lick. Stick. Slick. Nick. Brick. Pick. Bic. Sick. Kick. I’m sure you can think of at least a couple more. The point is, rhyming for the sake of rhyming almost never works out. It just comes off as lazy and in this case, it’s not particularly menacing either. “Lightnin’” Mike Swick? Hey, what about “Shock and Awe”? Too soon?
7.) “The Bully” – I don’t know if I would call myself ‘The Bully’ if I was in the lightweight division. Gray Maynard is undefeated, at the time of writing, and positioning himself for (God help him) a title shot in the near future. I get where he was going with the nickname: he is he feared marauder who stalks the corridors of the UFC looking for hapless fighters to work over. But aren’t we always told bullies are cowards and insecure? Aren’t bullies outcasts to be reviled or even pitied because they are weak and lonely? Whether or not any of that is true, whenever I hear Gray Maynard announced, I can’t help but think of Nelson Muntz hugging a tree and saying “Papa?” Alternatives…alternatives…well, why not the Marauder? Mangler? Meathook? Gravedigger?
6.) “Kimbo Slice” – No, that’s not his name. I wonder what percentage of people think it is. Judging by the keen intellect on display in the comments section of his various YouTube ‘triumphs’, I’d say it’s pretty high. A shining beacon of “only in America”, Kevin Ferguson has capitalized on every opportunity and now, inexplicably, is on the roster of the most elite MMA promotion in the world. Kimbo Slice would be a pretty cool name, I guess…if it was a name. But having a first and last name as a nickname is kinda weird. Having a first and last name as a fighting nickname is weirder. Kimbo is a childhood thing and “Slice” came from 12 year-old internet fanboys after Ferguson opened a gash over some backyard guy’s eye. Neat. So now we have Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in the UFC. The same Kimbo Slice who was kayoed by a Seth Petruzelli jab. The same Kimbo Slice who was helpless against Roy Nelson. Hey, Dana…will you please feed this guy to Brock Lesnar, Cain Velasquez, Shane Carwin, Frank Mir, Antonio Nogueira (“Minotauro” could’ve made the best list by the way) or another legit heavyweight and get it over with, already?
5.) “Christmas” – I don’t see the resemblance…not that much anyway (unless it’s the haircut). Maybe Jacob Volkmann has a headless parakeet and a worm farm. The point is, if he hadn’t mentioned Lloyd Christmas from Dumb & Dumber, who would have? Apart from the fact that Lloyd killed a guy – a hitman no less – in terms of being an imposing figure, he wasn’t exactly on par with say Genghis Khan. Or wrath of Khan. Or Madeleine Khan for God’s sake. If I had a buddy who looked like Lloyd Christmas, I’d call him Christmas for sure. If that same buddy was a professional fighter, I’d advise him to call himself something different. Venom? Venom is a pretty good bad guy. Band, too. Venomous?
4.) “The Athlete” – Could you be a little more specific? Jason McDonald is not only an athlete, he’s a professional athlete. He’s a (relatively) famous professional athlete. Do we really need the reminder? If we do, then why not “The Professional Athlete”? Why not drill down a little more on exactly what permutation of athlete he is? “The MMA Fighter”, maybe? McDonald’s nickname doesn’t distinguish him from any other fighter in the world. It doesn’t even distinguish him from figure skaters, rhythmic gymnasts, synchronized swimmers or female golfers. If vagueness and generality is the goal, why not just “The Human Being”? “The Member of the Animal Kingdom”? “Phylum Chordata”? After the way he wrapped up Ed Herman a few events ago, I think “Anaconda” would work.
3.) “McLovin” – I hate movie references in nicknames. There I said it. But if a movie reference is to be used, if there is no way around it, why choose a skinny, wimpy, dork? Superbad slayed me. Funny movie, great characters and even McLovin cracked me up. But Dustin Hazelett is an elite-level professional fighter who beats people up for a living. This goes back to number 5 above. Maybe Dustin’s friends gave him that name, maybe he likes it. Maybe he even suits it in some ways, who knows? But, I don’t recall anyone nicknaming themselves “McFly” or “Gilbert and Lewis” or “Urkel” or “Mr. Magoo” or “Orville Redenbacher” or “Supreme Court Justice David Suitor” or “Menachim Begin” or “Millhouse” or “That Nerd from Head of the Class”. It just doesn’t make sense to me. So, in the UFC, we have self-professed bullies and famous weenies. At least that makes recess interesting.
2.) “Gumby” – I’m Gumby dammit. Sigh. Gumby. Jeremy Horn has over 100 MMA bout under his belt and his list of opponents is a who’s who of the sport. He has distinguished himself as a standout who is more interested in fighting than winning. Remind you of anyone? That’s right…Gumby. A green, weird-kinda triangle-shaped head-havin’, friendly, goofy piece of clay from the 50’s with a silly voice and a pet horse. Or a horse-friend, whatever. Has anyone born in the last 25 years even seen a Gumby cartoon? Maybe he chose Gumby because he is all malleable like the Gumby toys were? Flexibility is an asset to a fighter, there’s no question. But that’s a pretty thin parallel. What about “Sugar”? Ha, just kidding…I got nothin’.
1.) “Twinkle Toes” – In the first draft of this article, I didn’t have Frank Trigg at number one. Last night I found out why he calls himself “Twinkle Toes” and made the necessary adjustments. In case you weren’t aware, it’s because he paints his toenails. To each their own, I suppose. But I am very thankful that other fighters don’t nickname themselves after their grooming, preening or personal hygiene habits. Shudder. Wait a tic…the “Brazilian” in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu refers to the country, right?
So, “Twinkle Toes” captures the title as the worst of the worst…for now. There is good news for Frank and the others, however...there are some fighters on the horizon who, if they achieve the success they are striving for, will bounce those mentioned above.
The up and comers:
Gary “Evil Ginger” Wright
Edwin “Young, Pretty & Ruthless” Louis
Lyle “Fancy Pants” Beerbohm
Jeff “Little Popeye” Bedard
Nick “The Ninja of Love” Denis
And the future number one winner:
Ulysses “Useless” Gomez.
Kingpin and Demon are up for grabs, fellas. It’s not too late.
