Random Howlings
 By Coyote Duran (April 15, 2006)
 |
|
icheehuahua Parody
|
One of the great things about a Random Howlings column is just that. It’s random. Sometimes a little too random. Like so random, I haven’t written one since late last year.
But I promised myself, I’d change that and get as random as ever in my search deep within myself for truth, stupid questions and things that make you wonder what I’ve been smoking or declare that I just watch waaaayyyy too much damn TV.
This time, I’m covering as much useless baloney as can be squeezed in twenty paragraphs. Wanna know how I feel about Burger King commercials, questionable nicknames for boxers and a TV chef named Duran? Well, too damn bad. I’m gonna tell you anyhow. Read on, Howlers!
Who would've guessed that the Sergei Liakhovich-Lamon Brewster heavyweight battle would've been so gosh-darn riveting? And naturally, Showtime Championship Boxing brought it to us during a free preview weekend, no less. The timing for such a great fight couldn't have been better.
After watching the almost two-hour season premiere of Showtime's excellent, quirky drama 'HUFF', my boycott of the sixth season of HBO's 'The Sopranos' was further validated. At least with 'HUFF', I only had to wait a speck over a year for a new season.
Is anyone else out there as excited as I am about the upcoming Luis Collazo-Ricky Hatton WBA welterweight title fight? That sucker's got excitement written all over it. Plus, with such likable personalities common between the two, whatever the outcome, the respect and sportsmanship will be very high in the aftermath.
I like the Burger King commercials. I like 'em. Sue me. BK Joe. Big Buckin' Chicken. Double Meat Omelet Sammich. Darius Rucker in a cowboy get-up. I like 'em all. Just wanted to letcha know who to point and laugh at the next time someone asks, 'What kind of weirdo thinks up this creepy shit?'
I suppose I've done my fair share of carping about last weekend's throwdown/trainwreck between Floyd Mayweather and Zab Judah so I'll redirect to a potential meeting I'd love to see that's more than viably available, and that's Antonio Margarito vs. Miguel Cotto. Why not? With both WBO titists under the Top Rank banner and both having had their own headlining Top Rank pay-per-views, coupled with Cotto's frame just begging to stretch to 147, I think the possibility should be considered. It could be the most flavorful Mexican vs. Puerto Rican showdown since Oscar De La Hoya-Felix Trinidad (albeit to a lesser degree). As for the fines/suspensions and official decisions levied regarding said trainwreck, at least something was done in the aftermath. It may not please everyone, but what can ya do? My big question is, how does Floyd Mayweather Jr. perform without Uncle Roger in his corner for one more year?
Last week, Homeland Security official Brian J. Doyle, 55, was nabbed on charges that he used his computer to seduce and send porn to who he thought was a 14-year old girl. Surprise, Brian. It's great to see that we've got such fine, upstanding pillars of society guarding our children. And you think the Burger King is creepy. For shame.
I just read recently that Mike Tyson just finished a trip to a memorial for Mao Tse Tung in China. You know, for someone who's broke and unemployed, Mike sure does get around.
According to various reports, soon-to-be-divorced Heather Locklear was recently seen, in public, making out with... David Spade. I know what you're thinking and no, this is not my idea of a late April Fools joke... I really have no idea what it is.
Did anyone else catch WBC heavyweight titleholder Hasim Rahman's comment about alphabet titles when he guested on ESPN2's 'Friday Night Fights' a few weeks back? He referred to them as 'trinkets', to studio Brian Kenny's surprise and delight. Now that's a realistic point of view about one's title that I can appreciate.
Have you seen The Food Network's 'Ham On The Street' yet? If not, check it out. Venezuelan-born but all-too-typically American, former radio funnyman George Duran (No relation to Yours Truly…L) is a culinary master but, boy, does he enjoy trouble! Experimentation with tasty new ways to prepare food and hitting the streets and the malls to track down willing test subjects is the norm and it's all Grade-A fun. From deep-frying guilty pleasure desserts to playing 'Name That Meat', 'Ham On The Street' (Wednesdays, 10:30 ET/9:30 Central) is a dish you simply cannot miss. Check out some short videos of George and his unsuspecting assistants at www.foodnetwork.com!
If you would've told me five years ago that the cruiserweight division would be as consistently engaging and TV-friendly as it has been over the past two years, I probably would've looked at you like you were growing another head. But another cruiserweight title fight is on the horizon when Guillermo Jones and Steve Cunningham face off for the now-vacant IBF belt (isn't it funny how the IBF knows how and when not to strip one of their titists?) in May. Showtime will bring us the battle, proving once more that they're the home of great cruiserweight fights.
Howard Stern's morning radio replacement in seven cities, former Van Halen frontman/current all-around punchline David Lee Roth is complaining because CBS, Roth's employer, has been making drastic changes to his show because... well... he sucks. What I'm curious about is why it took a shitty morning radio show to make people realize this. Give Doghouse Boxing's Lounge Forum a morning show with rotating hosts and I guarantee the morning drive to work'll be the best ever.
Super-Kudos to ESPN Classic for re-televising ‘modern classics’ from past ESPN2’s ‘Friday Night Fights’ and ‘Tuesday Night Fight’ series. Over the past month, we’ve been treated to such can’t-misses as 2001’s ‘Fight of the Year’ between Micky Ward and Emanuel Augustus (formerly Burton) and Scott Pemberton vs. Omar Sheika I and II. It’s also damn cool for those fans who might not have had an opportunity to tape them the first time around. Trust me, they’re keepers.
Speaking of Van Halen, what the hell happened to Eddie Van Halen?! In a recent photo, EVH looked like he was auditioning for the lead in a Cloris Leachman biopic. Except for the chain-smoking and the fried long hair. In other news, Valerie Bertinelli is still hot.
I really dig former featherweight/junior featherweight Joan Guzman (bummer about the Scott Harrison fight, dude. But how ’bout that Javier Jauregui scrap!) but I hope the next time he chooses a nickname, the third time will be the charm. Guzman went from ‘Little Tyson’ (ugh!) to ‘Sycuan Warrior’ (groan). Naming yourself after your promotional outfit?! That’s as bad as Floyd Mayweather Jr. dropping the ‘Pretty Boy’ for ‘Top Rank Titan’ or James Toney turning the lights out on ‘Lights Out’ to call himself the ‘Goossen-Tutor Gladiator’!
Forgive my late enthusiasm but I didn’t see Peter Jackson’s remake of ‘King Kong’ in a theater. I did buy the DVD a couple of weeks ago and I’m left wondering if crowds in 1933 were is as much awe of the original as moviegoers were with the modern version. If the creators of the original could see it now, do you think this would’ve been how they saw it in their heads when they were pain-stakingly utilizing stop-motion techniques to create their giant ape’s actions? I was stuck on stupid for three hours. Some of my favorite things about the new Kong? Little Easter eggs like the mentions of Universal Pictures and RKO as well as the mention of the availability of an actress named ‘Fay’ (most likely Fay Wray, Ann Darrow’s portrayer in the original) and some of Jackson’s actual memorabilia from the original flick spotted in some scenes. I also absolutely loved the cast choices. You couldn’t have done better than Adrien Brody (who was the first and only choice) as Jack Driscoll, Jack Black as Carl Denham and the classically gorgeous Naomi Watts as Ann Darrow (which is as far a drive from ‘Mulholland Drive’ as you can get! And Heath Ledger let that one get away).
The only factor, thus far, that could determine a choice as to who would emerge the victor in the upcoming World Light Heavyweight Championship fight between Antonio Tarver and Bernard Hopkins would be if Tarver’s recent star turn in the upcoming ‘Rocky Balboa’ gives him ‘Lennox Lewis-itis’. That notwithstanding, I still don’t have a pick yet.
Officials in Tanzania are proposing spankings for punishment for white-collar crime as opposed to actual jail time. Gives a new meaning to ‘getting a slap’, doesn’t it? I don’t see this as much of a deterrent if you consider this: How many buttoned-down, executive types are just freaky in general? If a spanking’s on the line, crime might just skyrocket.
Did anyone else receive their latest subscription copy of The Ring in as lousy condition as I did? I mean, it’s not a spank-mag, so why did it look as if a whole tribe of letter-jockeys played tug-o-war with it? I didn’t even get one of those U.S.P.S. polybags with the apology printed on it. Let’s show a little class, huh, people?
Finally, big, BIG ups go out to Chester Licking of Monee, Illinois. I know, I know. ‘Who the hell is this?’ you ask? Well, Chester just turned 100-years young and believe it or not, he still holds a day job, drives a car and has been married 75 years to his high school sweetheart, Mildred, who he actually met in Sunday school back in 1913! For 42 years, Chester worked as a chemical engineer for a paint manufacturer until he retired at, get this, 92. He’s been holding down another gig for the past 20 years as a Township Deputy Assessor in Monee and I’ll be damned if he isn’t one of the most clear-headed old-timers on Earth. When his wife was asked what the secret to such a long marriage was, Mildred replied, “I don't think there's any secret at all. We just loved each other.” To Chester, who proves every day that you can be a Licking that keeps on ticking, you (and Mildred!) are in my Howl Of Fame. Also thanks to ABC7 Chicago’s Harry Porterfield for that cool story.
Coyote Duran may be a boxing writer but he’s also highly considering a career in white-collar crime in Tanzania..
|
|
|
|
© Copyright / All Rights reserved: Doghouse Boxing 1998-2006
|
|
|
|
